Funerals, Reflections & Relationships

Last week I attended the funeral of a good, long-time friend who died just before New Year. 

The crematorium was packed to overflowing and many familiar faces were dotted amongst the crowd of people who had come to pay their last respects.  The service contained some real heartfelt tributes and as usual, we all learnt things about our friend we didn’t previously know. 

The tributes were glowing: he was dedicated, hardworking, reliable, a loving husband and father … but one phrase amongst these tributes hit me harder than anything else in the service; it was the simple phrase,

“If only he knew how much he was appreciated and loved by others.”

And that set me thinking.

I had known him for nearly 30 years, yet how often had I told him that I valued his friendship and counsel?  How often had I said, “You’re a good friend” or “I appreciate you” or “If you ever want to chat, I’m here.”

Now I know it’s very easy to become introspective at funerals and think about the ‘what ifs’ and ‘If onlys’ of life, but I do think those few challenging words are very significant: to me  and to everyone in friendships or relationships.

We all need friendships and relationships to function at our best. Many will be long-standing; some will be more recent; some will be brand new.  Whatever their status, a key factor for their success is our input (the one thing we can control), both in terms of quality and quantity.

Why do we have relationships?

We’re human beings and we need personal contact: without it we’re potentially heading for potential health risks and psychiatric disorders/imbalances.  If it were not so, why is solitary confinement used as a form of torture to break down resistance and extract information/cause harm and suffering?

The nature of relationships will vary depending on their context e.g., personal relationships will be different to business relationships, but the core requirements are pretty consistent regardless of their context.  Three common scenarios are:

‘I’m in it for what I can get out of it’:  most of these are doomed to problems and failure, and are not actually true relationships. 

‘I’m in it for what I can put into it’: these are far more likely to work if the action is reciprocated by the other party(ies).

‘I’m in it for how we can support and help each other‘: these are the most likely to survive and thrive through good and bad times.

Face-to-face contact

An important part of a relationship is face-to-face contact.  Many of these face-to-face interactions carry far more value than we realise since many non-obvious factors like expression, body language, touch etc, reinforce our words and actions. It’s at these times that we can really build each other up and make the other person feel valued and important.  It may be a natural part of our relationship or we may have to work at it.  Whichever is true, it is important.

Attending my friend’s funeral has reminded me of the importance of these ‘personal’ moments and of my responsibility to help make my relationships successful.

If we are successful in just this area, we will have made a difference to other people’s lives and, I believe, made a difference to our own life too, because as our behaviour changes in one area it will almost certainly impact many other areas of our life at the same time … and surely that can only be a bonus.

How can we affect self-esteem & self-confidence in others?

It is always worth considering what impact we can and do have on the self-esteem and self-confidence of other.  If these qualities in us are affected by external input from our parents, peers etc (i.e., others) then we too can have significant impact on the self-esteem and self-confidence in others.

Let’s consider as an example, the boss who wants to add some stretch to the expectations of his staff in order that they can develop and grow in their roles.  How can he help them to grow and develop and achieve these goals?  I would argue that one way is to reinforce their self-esteem and develop their self-confidence.  These promote not only independent thinking and working, but also the security to approach others for assistance if and when needed.  But what happens if this boss

• Sets targets, and then continually reviews them and re-sets them as they are met? 
• Sets targets that are simply not achievable? 
• Introduces so much stretch in the objectives that they push the individual beyond their elastic limit? 
• Continually focuses on targets that are not being met and ignores those that have been achieved or exceeded? 
• Provides criticism and objective advice without praise and reward?

These scenarios are all too common in business today; many through pressures to perform in difficult or changing economic climates; many through personal drive or feelings of the need to achieve or survive; many through ignorance.  Whatever the reason, the end result is the same; underachievement, low morale, suspicion and loss of best staff (either voluntarily or through ill-health).

When the pinch comes the focus can be turned so strongly onto the objective that we neglect the means of achieving that objective, our staff.  Survey after survey shows that the best results, greatest growth and greatest stability arise where people feel valued, rewarded and are given the freedom to try, in other words, where people have a feeling of worth (self-esteem) and the confidence to make a significant and recognised contribution (self-confidence).  It’s also interesting that in many cases, reward constitutes little more than acknowledgement and being thanked.  It does not necessarily have to be a salary increase or monetary award.

The problem is that in many cases, praise, thanks and acknowledgement have been consigned to the annals of history.  The positive side to this is that where there is a cultural change from a praise vacuum to one of acknowledgement, the change in atmosphere, attitude and motivation can be remarkably rapid and greater than could be expected.

So, if encouraging others costs nothing, apart from a bit of pride, self-discipline and effort, but reaps such great rewards, what are the barriers to us starting, now?

• Pride?
• Time?
• Image?
• Effort?
• Expectations?
• Office structure?
• … other reasons?

If survival, growth and development are priorities in our businesses then none of these barriers is too great to overcome.  Most are personal anyway.  And if it is a case of reorganisation or redundancy, then there can be little argument against the case.

The benefits of building self-esteem and self-confidence in others and ourselves are that we are laying the foundations for greater things; creativity and innovation.

More of that next time …

What Are We Worth?

Perhaps a bit of a rhetorical question, but I assure you there is no catch.

Our sense of value and our value system are both complex entities, arising from our life history.  Most of us have had knocks of one kind or another: bereavement, redundancy, failure in achieving something we were aiming for, family breakdown, work pressure … the list is very long. 

Thankfully, many of us can recover from these blows, some more quickly than others.  However, for some people a combination of blows arrives at the wrong time (childhood, especially adolescence) or too close together.  In those cases the impact can be catastrophic.  Someone full of hope and confidence one day can turn into a shy recluse with no sense of direction the next, whilst others kick out at anything and anyone who gets in the way or tries to help.  Their world has literally been shattered.  I remember a good friend at school who for no apparent reason started picking on anyone and everyone, eventually causing total classroom disruption resulting in suspension.  We thought he was an idiot.  It was only years later that we discovered he’d come downstairs to breakfast one morning to find his mother packing the car to leave. Bang!  Just like that: out of the blue without warning.  The emotional cost took years to repair and included many broken and dysfunctional relationships along the way.  We were also forced to think about our lack of response.

Sadly, my friend’s situation is mirrored with alarmingly increasing frequency today.

But I also remember another couple of other friends who always seemed so confident, almost cocky, about their life and where they were going.  And they did go!  Both became very successful in their respective fields; one as a scientist, the other as craftsman.  Why were these two so different?  I think much of it came from what was being fed into their lives.  Their parents were always encouraging them to try something new, go for something they couldn’t achieve.  And if they failed?  They could always have another go.

Now I know it is naive at best to simplify all situations to a single formula, but it is generally well accepted that a person’s self-identity is forged through their life experiences and relationships.  Repeated criticism or comparison with other people results in loss of confidence and unwillingness, often through fear, to try something in case we fail.  It also leads to the perception that ‘I am worth nothing.’  The opposite is true, with those receiving encouragement (including correction) achieving a more balanced and fulfilled lifestyle.  And success is often thrown in there too.

It is also accepted that what we practise at school becomes a lifetime habit.  Our businesses are plagued with people who continue to play out their school scenario, as bullies and manipulators, or as doormats.  They have a misguided sense of self-importance or self-value; either too high or too low.  Self-confidence is a good attribute when held in balance with other life skills.  But too much or too little can be disruptive and at its extreme, devastating.

And the problem extends further into society, where we see the impact of people who are unable to respond to their circumstances or surroundings.

The great news is that we all have intrinsically equal value and worth. 

The bad news is that others, or we ourselves project a value which then puts us on a sliding scale, based on what we can do, or our cash value in terms of income or cost to society.  These false measures need to be clearly delineated from intrinsic worth and value.  Of course, when we enter into a job or role, there is a basic need to be able to perform that role competently, and hopefully bring something extra as well.  But that has to do with our value to the employer: it does not affect our value as an individual.

So where am I going with all this?

Our childhood influences adulthood, in terms of how we think and how we act towards ourself and others.  That childhood will have been influenced by positive and negative inputs which will also have influenced our perceptions.  Those perceptions, in turn, influence how we operate at work, at home or with our friends.  However, these perceptions and responses are habits formed through the practice of life and like any other habit, they can largely be reshaped and changed into new habits.  We don’t really have an excuse for, ‘Well, that’s me and that’s the way I am [forever and always shall be].’

We each have a responsibility to look at ourselves and see how, where and if we need to change these habits: thought patterns, attitude to others, attitude to ourself, emotional response. 

And therein lies another issue; we are generally very poor at emotions! 

Most of us have gone through life with the good old British stiff upper lip, being afraid to engage, let alone express our emotions for fear of what we may discover.  And our education system does nothing to help, effectively switching off emotional engagement by the age of 11, leaving many ill-equipped to handle life.  I know I’ve used the analogy before, but it’s like an athlete who only trains one half of their body for a 100m sprint final.  It’s absurd to even consider, yet we do that everyday with children from as young as 3 or 4 years old, up until they are 18 or older and then we are surprised that they can’t handle life. 

So it is little wonder that poor self-worth and low self-esteem are cancers in today’s world. 

Thankfully, creativity allows re-engagement with our emotions and therefore, provides a safety valve for when pressures and trials arise.   It is something we all possess and something we can all discover and apply. I believe that passionately and it is one of my key motivators and driving forces. 

And by applying that creativity across our businesses, in practice, planning and development, implication, sales and marketing, management structures, team structures … through the people we have, the future, as one mobile company proclaims, is bright.  Our who business benefits: 

• Within the business, our people will feel more fulfilled, more engaged, more appreciated, they will be more willing to contribute, more willing to work harder and longer hours (if required), the atmosphere will change for the better
• Outside the business, our customers will notice the change and the wider social net will benefit.

 

On a scale of 0 – 100, we all score 100 for worth, but sadly, many score less than 20 when it comes to self-worth or valuing others.  And that must stop. 

Until next time …

 

Postscript:  Wouldn’t it be great if our governments actually believed in the concept for our education system; not for political gain but for the good of the nation, and empowered those with the appropriate skills and vision to make it happen!

 

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Success in Failure; Humility in Leadership

Whilst hopping around the Internet recently I came across a great article on The London Business Forum website from an interview with Sir Richard Branson.  As I read it, I was struck by an individual who is totally passionate about what he does whilst also being ready to learn, change and improve. 

I remember Richard Branson being set-up for a fall on more than one occasion by our beloved British Press.  When he was trying something new or attempting a new record, the snipers of the true British spirit shot … and if he failed, the “I told you so” or “You read it first in the ***” kinds of headlines prevailed.  It was more important that he’d failed than what he’d attempted.  And yet, if we talk to any successful businessman, failure is always on their list and it’s seen as part of their road to success (and perhaps that is why so many of our current journalists will never be successful … but that’s another story!).

Anyway, please enjoy the following except from Sir Richard’s interview: 

‘Many of the audience wanted Branson to dispense some entrepreneurial advice, and he didn’t disappoint, mixing the common-sense with some fascinating and salutary anecdotes. “The importance of protecting the downside,” was a key lesson to learn, he said. This is why, when he cut a deal with Boeing to buy his first second-hand 747, it included an option to sell the plane back after one year. Boeing’s only concern, he said, was that Virgin “wouldn’t live up to its name but would actually go all the way.”

Similarly, he had a valuable tip on how to retain entrepreneurial dynamism while you’re growing: as soon as the number of staff hits 100, split the firm in two. In this way, he said, Virgin Records ended up being 20 different companies that “didn’t even share switchboards”. It’s a philosophy that Virgin still tries to observe in spite of its gigantic size. Of the group’s 200 branded companies, “none of them are massive in any particular field,” Branson said, and each has to stand on its own two feet”. The people who lead each business are managing directors, and are incentivised accordingly. “Virgin has created about 200 millionaires over the years,” he revealed.

The moment you go from one company to two companies, you’ve got to start learning the art of delegation, he added. “So what I try to do when we set up new businesses [is this]: I’ll go in, I’ll immerse myself for a month or two, I’ll learn all about that industry, so that if a managing director does come to me and wants to talk to me about mobile phones or trains, I’ll know something.”

True delegation means giving people the freedom to make mistakes, he said. “[My parents] would always look for the best in what [I] did. They were great believers in lots and lots of praise… And I think if you’re the leader of a company, this is even more important. You shouldn’t be looking for people slipping up, you should be looking for all the good things people do and praising those. People know when they’ve slipped up, they don’t need to be told.”

Another defining characteristic of Branson’s personal management style was his willingness to be humble, and to listen to criticism, where staff and customers are concerned. “I do try to make an effort,” he said. “If I’m on a Virgin plane, I’ll try to meet all the passengers. I’ll have a little notebook in my back pocket. I’ll meet all the staff.” He stressed the importance of tiny details, saying that only by getting these right will you end up with “an exceptional company rather than an average company.”

Ultimately, business is not about “balance sheets, money, profits and loss,” he argued. It is about “creating something you’re really proud of, something the people who work for you can be really proud of… the actual business aspect is simply there to be mopped up at the end.”

The fact that he never got a tight grasp of financial matters was probably a benefit, he suggested, in that it persuaded him never to bring in accountants too early in the development of a venture. “You’ll get one firm of accountants that will tell you, based on their own preconceptions, why starting an airline is a ghastly idea and every other airline fails and you’re going to lose a lot of money. You’ll get another set of accountants who’ll tell you why they think you’re going to make money. But they have no idea one way or the other.”

Far more important is to create something that you, yourself, really want and value, he concluded. “If it’s exceptionally good then people will always turn up and use it.”

Perhaps it’s time to regain and re-embrace some of the old ‘British Spirit’ without being ashamed (and without extreme nationalism).  And it’s time to put to death the insipid political correctness that will undoubtedly ruin so many ventures.  We are not all the same.  Celebrate the fact and be prepared to try to succeed, even if we must embrace failure. 

Above all, be prepared to be humble; to learn, to change, to improve … and to acknowledge that we may not have all the answers on our own, but they are often in our colleagues, friends and family if we are prepared to look.

Until next time …

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